Circumference Factor: Are you overpaid? You must be overweight

By Sara Waqar Khan

“Techies and Nerdies usually have a great tendency of growing their tummies much faster and quicker. So, for God sake please get out and do some more work, I mean physical “no offense”, participate in one or two sports at least twice a week most probably on a weekend. Code isn’t going to help you in your sixties.” Mudasser Ijaz, a Software Engineer.

CodeWeek police just happened to be very near to catch the crime scene and decided to report it instantly. Many have completely denied and refused to comment. Others refused to get their pictures taken. Because these Software Engineers were hiding either their salary or circumference of their waist. As said above by a Software Engineer himself, the two things complimented each other and one of them determined the size of the other.

This happens in almost all the Software Houses due to the continuous late sittings through which the Software Engineers have to suffer. Whenever someone shows up with a bottle of Pepsi or a Coke, or has some fried samoosas, grilled kebabs or roasted Chicken, law and order becomes a vague term and every Software Professional jumps ahead, leaving his seat behind with only one slogan on his mind i.e. food, food and food. That is the only time when physical activity/movement actually takes place.

The speed at which a Software Professional, with a fat salary, gulps down a magnanimous chunk of food is directly proportional to the speed of light and inversely proportional to the movement displayed by these giants (Software Engineer). If you are a software engineer and still in in doubt, then try and test it on yourself. By the way you don’t have to test it, all you have to do is just ignore your work and concentrate on your self, you will know exactly what I mean.

If you cannot then CodeWeek advises you to wear your Body Armour, as we are all set to investigate and prove our point. Here, an attempt was made to seal all our investigative abilities by some well known Software Professionals who knew that what we were an\bout to prove had been kept hidden from quite sometime now. As they themselves had a remarkable ability of hiding their Directly Proportional Secret in a professional manner.

We have also acquired this professional ability and know the perfect usage of sirens and alarms, in order to clear the traffic out. But as soon as we outlined an excellent strategy, suspects escaped to their hidden caves. Our weapon was our pen and paper which we used as a direct hit and Mubasshir Mian’s WESI Calculator. So, we started by drawing margins and added ‘age’ in one column, ‘waist’ in the other and lastly ‘salary’ in the third, and sent this piece of paper to various departments of various Software Houses, and waited for the results. We were tricked.

Some hid the paper, some burnt it and others said they never received it. But our investigative police found what they wanted and Group 1 was named as

Group Of Lies

This group had about eleven members in it. They made an unsuccessful attempt in appearing unimportant and filled the form in such a manner that the average waist size was inversely proportional to salary. But Mubasshir Mian, our lead discovered a new calculator which was mentioned above, Known as WESI, Waist Equals Salary Index. Mubasshir Mian is a Software Professional, so he knew exactly how a Software Engineer can play tricks at such an occasion. And he taught us how to fight with such tricks. This calculator showed us how the waist size is always directly proportional to size of Software Engineer’s salary. Thus, WESI also turned out to be a lie detector.

He told us that if your attack was going really well, then beware it’s an ambush. How can eleven people have the same waist size and same salary with only slight variation. Thus our research was not restricted to these eleven Software Professionals. More data was collected, which eventually brought us to the point where the board of inquiry could prove anything and everything.

Then we formed Group 2, which was named as the

Group Of Semi-Lies

As the name reads, the data collected from this particular group was true to some extent and false at the same time. All the group members filled the form exactly the same way as was done by the previous group. But a couple of them, in his subconsciousness wrote the right waist size and when calculated in our WESI calculator, the figures proved that the size of waist was directly proportional to the salary they earned. So Mubasshir Mian’s WESI calculator proved the main point of proportionality along with all the technical details.

Thus this conclusion gave rise to Group 3. This group blamed us for misleading the readers, and named themselves as, ‘Truth is Out There‘, and stood against our every result.

Group 3 ‘Truth is Out There.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. While taking notes of every individuals salary and his waistline we were told that the data collected was illegal and the records were not authentic. Some were even offended, for which we apologize, but we know for sure that that our results given by our WESI calculator were hundred percent correct. At this opposition our team and our supporters argued that collecting this type of information, which allowed Software Professionals to laugh is not waisting time, but this gathering of information is directly proportional to distributing intelligence which we believe is badly needed.

Conclusion

Every Thorough Investigation Leads To Confusion

And as more Techies and Nerdies unfolded their salaries and waist size, we discovered how correct we were. But our Software Professionals (intentionally and consciously) pretended to be CONFUSED. Since CodeWeek has already made its point thus avoiding this unwanted confusion, CodeWeek would be rather happy in closing this saga of adventures, opposition and self developed confusion over here by saying that “in the life of a Software Professional, as the years move forward, salary moves forward and waist moves in the exact same direction.”

Well we were not able to catch Mudasser Ijaz, but we definitely were able to prove what he claimed. We are proud to tell that the above statement was made by a Software Professional who is very much aware of the on-going of the Software World where fried samoosas, grilled kebabs and roasted Chicken, are the main reason why we lack law and order.